Hot Firemen!!!!

Do you know the absolute best, foolproof way to lure Hot Firemen into your seductive new apartment? I do, and I'll tell you. Here. Now. For free, even. So don't say I never taught ya nothin'.

All you have to do is arrange for your newly cranked up furnace to catch fire at 6 am. Then simply dial 911 and give them your address and, before you know it, you have about 15 Hot Firemen at your apartment just aching to do whatever it is that you need.

Of course, there are downsides to this, as follows:

• what you really need is for them to put the fire out
• it's cold as a witch's tit outside
• you are half-asleep and not making any sense at all
• you still have mascara smudges under your eyes and your hair's gone all wild (ok, we could just call that bedhead, which we all know Hot Firemen love, right?)
• you are wearing your red satin Xmas-y pajama bottoms with the red velvet strappy tank, but the effect is ruined by your fleece Land's End huge slippers and the winter coat that you threw on before getting the hell out of the apartment

The apartment is fine, we are all fine, the furballs are fine, too, thanks for asking. I was going mental, though, because I could only find Shelby to stuff in a carrier and get out; I couldn't find Buca at all, and let's face it, Buca is the second love of my life after my old Fat Cat. Strangely, I gave not one thought to getting my purse which had all my worldly money, my credit cards, and my only identification. Thank God The Cuz was up due to druggage and heard the snap, crackle, pop - only it wasn't like the Rice Crispies kind.

You know what really shits me? We'd finally got the fucktards at Washington Gas out to turn on the gas so we could take normal, hot showers and actually cook just yesterday. The Cuz got a hot shower yesterday. But me? Noooo, that would be far too good for the likes of me.

I'm starting to think that perhaps I'm not meant to live in western-style traditional accommodation. Maybe I should move to Mongolia, hang out with the nomadic horsemen (I do know my way around horses very well) and live in a ger and drink fermented mare's milk. I hear it's very good.