Struggle . . . and apologies
Apologies to all who keep checking in here. I know how frustrating it is when you want to get updated on what's going on with someone and they just aren't posting. It's just that life has been really, really shitty, possibly shittier than it has ever been, and I just haven't been able to find the strength to come here and post about what's been going on.
It's also that I find myself thinking about how honest do I want to be here. Not that anything posted is untrue, but how open do I want to be would perhaps be a better way to put it. How much of myself do I want to put out there? How much do I want people to know about me and my life? Do I want people to know how bad it is right now? Would it help to get it out? Maybe. I read a number of other blogs and there are a few where people put it all on the line, every ounce of pain and anguish, heartbreak and despair, every shitty thing that happens to them no matter how unpleasant it makes them look.
Am I that honest? No. I don't think I can do it. It scares me to be that open.
So in the meantime just let me say that things right now are really shitty and I may very soon be homeless with nowhere to go. There's your update.
posted by Y at 4:42 PM
3 Comments:
I feel the same way; it's such a strange thing, to put yourself out there into this void. You'd think it would be total uncensored ideas, but is that ever truly possible when there's an audience? Even if the audience is just me, I don't know....
It is really strange. For a while, before I gave out the address, I thought I could be completely anonymous and not censor myself. But what I'm finding is that, even in handwritten journals that I know no one will ever read until after I'm dead, I still self-censor.
I sometimes write little notes in my journal to potential future readers: Hello! I know you're reading this! I'm making this up!
I'm such a narcissist sometimes ;)
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